Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler, written by someone who just moved back

to snow country.

December 8  6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took

our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft

flakes drift down from heaven.

It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds

again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch

of the landscape.

What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole

world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!  Shoveled for the

first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway

and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up

the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What

a perfect

life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My

neighbor tells me not to worry-we’ll definitely have a white Christmas.

No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by

the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think

that’s possible.

Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20.

The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I

warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!  The

snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t

realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly

get back in shape this way.

I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and

bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow

tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The

wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.

I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting

down salt. Hurt like hell.

The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity

was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing

to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I

should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it

when she’s right.

I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last

night. More

shoveling!

Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor

kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think

they’re lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying

a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March.

I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it

done and bill me.

I think he’s lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white

shit fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August.

Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I

had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again.

I was too tired to shovel.

Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter,

but he says he’s too busy.

I think the asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted me

to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why

didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago?

She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24

6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I

was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives

that snow plow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him

to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and

waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a

100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our

presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25

Merry Christmas! 20 more inches

of the damn slop tonight – Snowed in.

The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.  I hate the snow!

Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over

the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think

she’s a fricking idiot.

If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to

stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?

It was all HER idea.  She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14

hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my

pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in.

The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave

in.

That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for

a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for

trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.

The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.

Why am I tied to the bed?